Thursday 27 February 2014

Only me!


Hello
Hope you've all had a gorgeous day?

It's really hard to know where to start in telling you my story. So much has happened over the past 6 years, yet in many ways it feels like time has stood still. Carl & I have just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary, & all of our plans, dreams & wishes for the future that we had on our wedding day, are still on hold. I count my blessings everyday, that I have found a truly wonderful husband who is prepared to stay by my side, no matter what; but I'm forever feeling guilty for holding him back & for not being the wife that I had planned to be. It's true what they say, that "love conquers all."


Life today, has no comparison to what it was before I got poorly - apart from the beautiful people who have stuck by me throughout. I'm so incredibly lucky for surviving what I have been through, & there isn't a day go by when I don't say thank you to my guardian angel for looking after me. But, from the very moment that I open my eyes, life poses a challenge. Small tasks that I used to take for granted, are like climbing gigantic mountains on a daily basis!

Even waking up is a huge challenge in itself! People may see this as lazy, but my body is working so hard all of the time, even when doing the smallest of things - so I'm constantly exhausted. Imagine how tired you'd be if you ran everywhere - & that's how I always feel. Sitting up, standing, & walking a few steps; my heart works so hard. I'm always running on empty, with every step sucking the last little bit pf energy that I have left. Because of this I could easily sleep 12-14 hours a night, but obviously life & appointments, mean that isn't always possible!

The next challenge, is actually getting out of bed! Standing up after laying down all night, turns me into Bambi. My vision turns to black & my ears start ringing, as I hold on to my bed rail in the hope that it'll stop me from falling. It soon passes - but it's always there, waiting for the next time that I need to stand from sitting; it never ever leaves me alone. 

Usually just the simple act of getting out of bed is enough to make me want to get back in it! Showering is easier now I have a shower chair, but washing my hair is like proper work out - so you're truly privileged if my hair actually looks presentable when I see you! Getting dressed is a nightmare, resulting in me sounding like I've been smoking a million cigarettes a day. You know you're poorly, when pyjamas are your preferred choice of clothes, & a onesie is for special occasions!

There are days where the challenge of getting out of bed proves even greater than usual, & standing results in me collapsing in a sweaty heap on the floor. On those days, bed is the only safe place to be, as my body can't be trusted to keep me on my feet. My head feels like it is in a washing machine, & not even chocolate makes me feel better! Heartbroken that I can't join in with the real world.

When I feel like my body is against me, I try to focus on the little things in life that make me smile! Such as: 

  • One of my tablets is PINK! 
  • I can look silly in a pink leopard print onesie, because it's allowed when you're poorly. 
  • My hair is in better condition because sometimes I can't wash it for days. 
  • I get lots of sleep, which means I have more energy for seeing lovely people when I'm feeling better. 

I truly believe that there's always a silver lining, even when it's impossible to see anything but darkness. 

Feeling poorly all of the time can, undoubtedly, be super depressing & completely devastating - but it really does make you incredibly grateful for the times that you feel a little better, & are able to do more than usual. On the days when I manage to get dressed, put my make-up on, & am ready to face the world - that's an achievement in itself. "Big journeys begin with small steps".

Today, my body isn't a happy bunny, but things always seem a little brighter with pretty nails - especially as they match Millie, my pretty pink wheelchair friend, perfectly. Thank you so much to my lovely friend Corinne, for injecting a little sparkle into my day. It's the little things that make such a huge difference!


Wishing you all a lovely evening, full of hot chocolate & pink cupcakes x



      






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